Something in My Life...

So many things have happened...

I was wondering if Rix will mention the 10 days deal we had... I dun agree with a dateline... Its feelings we are talking bout, not business. I have no answer to give him... The only answer is I will give all three of us an answer, but I dunno when...

I give myself 3 to 4 months... But what if I still dunno then? I am worried that I might not know, even till then.... But of cos, its better for me... thats what everyone says... Everyone says... I will feel better, be less stress... be happier... Hahahaha.... Issit?

Honesty I dunno... I seem to feel less and less happy... I dunno what to do to be happy... Dunno if I will ever be happy again... No matter wat i do, what i choose... will I feel happy? What can I do to be happy?

I dun understand myself... I am not like myself now... and i dunno why... everything feels meaningless... everything feels like its only there for the moment... Sometimes I simply feel like disappearing... becoming nothing...

I know that I should not be thinking like that... but i cant seem to help myself... I dun even know what I wan... who or what can make me feel better...

I regret... I wish that things never happen... that rix never tried to walk away... the feelings i got during the first time was terrible... lost, sad... heartbreaking... helpless... knowing that something is wrong yet feel like i could do nothing.... I tried to forget it... that incident... but it happened again.... why? why did he have to hurt me like this? Silly me... I know why... but my heart feels broken... Still wanna ask how can he bear to? He should be the shoulder i lean on... the one I cried to... why? Now he's the one I cried for... the one who makes me sob...

I dunnoo what is happiness already... I lost it the day he tried to walk away... My stubborness hold us till today... but never since then had a real smile be on my face...

Nun jun cares, he dotes on me... he wanna me be happy... and i so much wanna be happy even if just for his sake... i really wanna be happy with him... be the happy me... he tried his best, and i really dun wan to let him down...

And i know Rix worry for me too... Despite everything, he still wish that I can be the happy me that he knows... But now, I am a sad person... without my drive, without my energy... To him he doesnt wan to make me sad,but it of no choice... thats what he think... what can I say? why cant U be even more selfless than this? how can i forget everything? To be with you, how can i forget him? To be with him, can i ever forget u? why must U make this happen.....

I wanna be happy... I even wish I lost my memory... Haha... that's how silly I am... i dunno what i am gonna do... I dunno what is happiness, I dunno wher to find happpiness...

If this were the past, I will have talk to Jia xin... but now its not like before... she is not just in my life... she is in Rix life... not like when it happen to dingsheng, or xu yong, or even last time with nun jun... she will be on my side... she will help me... doesnt matter if we think differently... she will always be closer to me than the guys... those guys are our story... my story... we share with each other the problems we encountered... but the guys never will step in... even when things ended... the guys will leave... out of our life... Our friendship has suppport each other through many different guys... But this time the feeling is different... will I have her there to console if I lost Rix? will life get back to normal? Or will my life never be the same?

I somehow know nobody will understands... I wrote this but I dun think I will trust anyone to see... I wish they know... but they will tell me what to think... but my feelings are my feelings... I just wish someone understands... how things are affected i already know... can it be back to before... I really dun wish to lost everything...

Happiness seems so far... will i ever reach it? Maybe forever its lost... maybe i just should disappear... I will forever love all that I love... but its over...

It's still Rocking baby...

well, life's not back on track!

I found a full time job... but have not yet start even after one month plus. Need to pass the exams all that... Be a finanical adviser that's what... So now, still working at pub, still with xiao xin n alvin n all the waitress... But it's at a new place, GRAXS, at Aliwal Street... Come visit me anyone? haha...

Haven been working hard... got sick again n again... Fuck up.... RElationship's stuff weighing me down, and I know i should not let it get this way... I know I need to concentrate on stuff like my exams, think about prospects... and make 2007 much better... I know n I know...

Just that my heart's been working too hard... I feel too much 'bout what's going on. I wanna forget everything, but i know I dun really want to also... Many things have happen between me and rix... ya, the one i called darling, called uncle rix... the one who was there when I need him in 2006... Problem is will he still be there? in 2007, or 2008, or the years after? I doubt so...

He is my darling, but I have got a Dear Dear... before i knew him... My 2 yrs boyfriend... I allow myself to fall in despite knowing my heart's still occupy... Sure, things were rocky between me and Nun Jun then... I needed fun, I needed a shoulder... Never thought he will come to mean so much to me...

Now, I felt split... torn into 2... sometimes ii do blame Rix... cos he did know everything from the start... that I have a boyfriend I love... why did he choose to step in? do the actions he did... slowly n slowly make me feel for him? If he had never the way he was, I would have been just very very gd friends with him... I will not have fall in... And I will not be so miserable now...

But of cos, I should have kept my distance... should not have believe that things will always be under control... should not have believe that i can trust rix totally... gave him my heart, share with him my life, should not have believe that he will not hurt me, that he will not leave me...

Yesh, I am selfish... I am... I cant bear to end my relationship and I dun wan to let Nun Jun down... I cant bear to let Rix go, I dun wan us to become distant... I dunno who I love more... Cos I love the two of them in totally different ways...

My heart's been in pain recently... I dunno why, maybe cos I feel that sadness is near... Things are changing and I miss everything I used to hold dear... All the friends, companionship... How i used to do so much for Nun Jun, all our arguements, heartfelt feelings... I miss the way me n Rix were... how we talk so comfortably... how we hold each other, how he care n understand me... How much I have put in...

Nun Jun dear... Rix Darling... I am so sorry... *sob *sob
I wish to juz simply disappear.............................................