Something in My Life...

So many things have happened...

I was wondering if Rix will mention the 10 days deal we had... I dun agree with a dateline... Its feelings we are talking bout, not business. I have no answer to give him... The only answer is I will give all three of us an answer, but I dunno when...

I give myself 3 to 4 months... But what if I still dunno then? I am worried that I might not know, even till then.... But of cos, its better for me... thats what everyone says... Everyone says... I will feel better, be less stress... be happier... Hahahaha.... Issit?

Honesty I dunno... I seem to feel less and less happy... I dunno what to do to be happy... Dunno if I will ever be happy again... No matter wat i do, what i choose... will I feel happy? What can I do to be happy?

I dun understand myself... I am not like myself now... and i dunno why... everything feels meaningless... everything feels like its only there for the moment... Sometimes I simply feel like disappearing... becoming nothing...

I know that I should not be thinking like that... but i cant seem to help myself... I dun even know what I wan... who or what can make me feel better...

I regret... I wish that things never happen... that rix never tried to walk away... the feelings i got during the first time was terrible... lost, sad... heartbreaking... helpless... knowing that something is wrong yet feel like i could do nothing.... I tried to forget it... that incident... but it happened again.... why? why did he have to hurt me like this? Silly me... I know why... but my heart feels broken... Still wanna ask how can he bear to? He should be the shoulder i lean on... the one I cried to... why? Now he's the one I cried for... the one who makes me sob...

I dunnoo what is happiness already... I lost it the day he tried to walk away... My stubborness hold us till today... but never since then had a real smile be on my face...

Nun jun cares, he dotes on me... he wanna me be happy... and i so much wanna be happy even if just for his sake... i really wanna be happy with him... be the happy me... he tried his best, and i really dun wan to let him down...

And i know Rix worry for me too... Despite everything, he still wish that I can be the happy me that he knows... But now, I am a sad person... without my drive, without my energy... To him he doesnt wan to make me sad,but it of no choice... thats what he think... what can I say? why cant U be even more selfless than this? how can i forget everything? To be with you, how can i forget him? To be with him, can i ever forget u? why must U make this happen.....

I wanna be happy... I even wish I lost my memory... Haha... that's how silly I am... i dunno what i am gonna do... I dunno what is happiness, I dunno wher to find happpiness...

If this were the past, I will have talk to Jia xin... but now its not like before... she is not just in my life... she is in Rix life... not like when it happen to dingsheng, or xu yong, or even last time with nun jun... she will be on my side... she will help me... doesnt matter if we think differently... she will always be closer to me than the guys... those guys are our story... my story... we share with each other the problems we encountered... but the guys never will step in... even when things ended... the guys will leave... out of our life... Our friendship has suppport each other through many different guys... But this time the feeling is different... will I have her there to console if I lost Rix? will life get back to normal? Or will my life never be the same?

I somehow know nobody will understands... I wrote this but I dun think I will trust anyone to see... I wish they know... but they will tell me what to think... but my feelings are my feelings... I just wish someone understands... how things are affected i already know... can it be back to before... I really dun wish to lost everything...

Happiness seems so far... will i ever reach it? Maybe forever its lost... maybe i just should disappear... I will forever love all that I love... but its over...