~An ending to Things~

Its settled...

Really, all that come to an end. Happens perhaps by chance, in a moment of anger for him, in a final clear mind to release myself for me. I made a decision, I chose Nun Jun.

So now, I can be who I am, I dun need to change. I have a guy who will willingly love me, who will give me his everything, despite what he will get back. I love him. I appreciate him.

If love is true with all the sayings, then this shall be my saying for me and Nun Jun... "Love is the comfortable feeling knowing you will be there". Yup, never has anyone make me feel so secure, so safe, and so back at home.

I have hurt him with all these, although he doesnt say. I have hurt myself, and perhaps also Rix. All these perhaps lead back to Nun Jun not giving me everything I want. Thats why I seek comfort elsewhere. But now I know its wrong, cos nobody is perfect. Others, can be more wrong.

I just hope he still love me as much, if not more. Cos I wan to love him more than ever. I just wish that our story will never have a ending. I just wish that Nun Jun will oneday be a prince.

As for Me and Rix, this is an end for us. From the moment I decide this is the best for me, that I dun want to use anymore energy to hold him back, that I can just be myself. Cos I will be loved simply by being myself. I can have the best. I really hope I will still be in his life, I really wish that he will still be in my life. That we will always be a part of each other's life. I can do it. Never can be together, but always someone special. But I doubt he can. From how much I understand him. UNless... unless, this time round, I am really too special.

But I am living my life as it is. So, this is an ending for this blog too. Goodbye, all that has been reading these. My future, I will fly, I will soar!

Bon vovage~

2 days to my EXAM!!!

Haven really been writing lately... guess I simply dunno what to write... Many things have been pushed back to the back of my mind... and gladly, I really got my long needed break...

Have been daily with Nun jun... my dear dear... we had some conflicts once or twice these 2 days... Is it that I am starting to care more? back to the last time? But its still gd... cos he treats me fine... and he is doing his best, i know....

'bout Rix... haven really been seeing him... not even talk or sms... sometimes he inform me of his whereabouts... but i am busy too... then at times i sms him just to check how he is doing le... and no reply too... ya, it has been put across plainly to me that he is supposed to be very busy at his job recently... but i think that there is no way that he is that busy... to the point of no time for any form of contact...

And last night I have a feeling someone broke his promise... just last sat, we promise each other that we will not lie to each other again... he was the one who care so much about honesty cos he thinks that i had lied to him a number of times... I din mention it, buut i remembered certain things... when he said he never evr lied to me before, that's a lie... he lied to me a few times... lying about where he is n with who... and with no reason at all... Maybe he forgot, but he should go n reflect on his own actions... he was the one who lied to me so many times n still dare to say he never lied... and this aside... we have a promise not to lie to each other ever again, which he so confidently said that it will never happen to him cos he will never lie too me... it seems funny and ironic now... haha.... I feel that last night he is lying....

I din mean to syp on him or wat... just feel that dunno what he is doing since its a sat... and how is his job n everything... Sms him, got no reply... so after hours... I just called... I din wan to called actually, cos a person should know how to reply my sms first... if a person wants to ignore, isnt it stupid of me to call and bother the person? But well, i give him the benefit of doubt... just maybe he really din see the message... so I called. he picked up the phone, and I heard giggling background noise... i din really care who he is with or where... cos if he is outside having fun then its his own business... but since i was calling to ask how he is nn everything, of cos i will also ask where is he... guess wat? he said just finished work... at 12 plus midnight? haha.... and what about the ladies' giggling I heard?

Nvm... then he said reach hm will leave me a message... but in the end, all the way till after my movie i din get any... i wun blame him if he has been off to somewhere else or wat... buut he told me on the way hm before that.... if i were any foolish, i would have been worried... but i am not stupid....

i called him twice n no answer... i guess its to pretend that he has fallen asleep... like i say, if i were any foolish, i will have believe him.... but i am not... i can sense when i am been lied to... so i went to withdraw his money... n sms him saying that cos i cant get him so i took it first... I knew that will get to him... and just as i expected... he called mi nt long after that... Now, if a person is dead asleep, then how on earth will they wake up suddenly to see a sms? or to call back? when i called twice if he cant hear it, then how come is suddenly awake? I wanna ask him all these actually, but i was outside, n i dun wan to waste time argueing with him on the phone...

But I cant forget it, cos if there is one thing, one promise important between us, is that promise about honesty... And I cant believe that he lied to me...

Right now, maybe he thinks that I' been fooled by him... but too bad is... he doesnt know who is fooling who... actually all these mind game is too easy for me... i can easily play along... but what i really rather do is talk it out, to know why n to tell him he had really done a big wrong... but i dun wan to argue... i am scared of the trouble... these few days have been happy n relax... i like it this way... so maybe he will read all this oneday... or maybe i will cant help it n say all these out oneday... but right now... he is foolishly thinking i believe him... and thinking back, what have i got to lose by that lie? i was with my big groups of friends... not even a slightest bit of intention to go other places other then orchard area.... His lie is stupid n relunctant... only he thinks he is been clever by doing this...

I really really really feel like scolding him!!!!!

That feels so much better.... haha... anyway, watched 'Blood n Choc' last night... not as nice as we all expected... ahaha... but yesterday was fun... everybody was so crappy... and we were laughing and laughing... n I am becoming really gd friends with Joan too... haha... dunno why two person completely opposite can click so well...

And exams is on tuesday... so supposed to start reading a bit later... Going for a swim at Chervon with Nun jun... and hope can read a little when chilling out too...

----GOOD LUCK---4 MY EXAM----

~Music n Lyrics~

Recently I watch this movie, "Musiv n Lyrics". What a good movie... with a good ending too... :p

Well, been pretty relaxing these few days... going out, going for classes (for my insurance exam), and having my appetite back is good... haha... but feel abit bloated le...

Anyway, been meeting leong and Nun jun dear... Nun jun's on one month MC again... Haiz, actually i'm not sure if its a good thing or not... sure, he'll be there for me le... just like last time... and we dun quarrel like last time le... its been relaxing with him le... I do enjoy it lots...

Actually I still miss some of the good old times... with mclin, yuan da.... even rix... or esp rix... haha... i dunno wat I'm saying... but well, just kinda miss those days... And that's why I'm going to play ball tomorrow at woodlands le!!

Actually I sms all of them 'bout going to play ball... I'll be with 2 of my new friends... Yuling n Jess.... but they dun mind my friends joining in.... So i sms yuan da, rix n john.... In the end only yuan da reply.... Sob... I wonder why....

I wonder how Rix is feeling? haha.... he seems busy... or maybe its cos I din ask le... Dunno wat he is thinking le... maybe thinks that I got nun jun accompany ba? High chances... haha.... sometimes I feel that I know him too well... actually....

Mmm... if that's how he thinks, then its silly.... he never ask me when I free! hahaha... I might actually be free if he ask..... Sigh, so silly.... I dun like to ask guys out.... =_=

Wrote a lyrics.... no music to go with it.... post it in the next entry!

~where's the right jigsaw piece?~

Happy Chinese New Year!

Gong Hei Fatt Choy~
It's chinese new yr again... so fast... time really flies... everytime chinese new yr coming, I'll be experiencing my pre-new-yr fear... haha... tat means fear that old things will come back to haunt me...

Well, it is still new yr now... cos it supposed to be.. 15 days? haha... I'm not sure, but today's just the 5th day... The important New yr Eve, and following three days have passed... Haha... boy, am I glad this yr was ok for me... quite gd in fact....

I went lots time to Nun jun house and his relatives house... Leong and renshan came too... we have quite a relaxing time together... and during one of the days I even had dinner with his parents... First time in 2 yrs wor! haha :p

But despite all these, actually I miss Rix de... Although I am having fun, but I always wonder how he is doing... and if he miss me? haha... a bit thick skin... but I tot he will have miss me alot... cos before he left, I got his farewell sms... all so sweet... saying that he was already missing me... And I miss him, really...

But I guess I was wrong... sigh... I am glad enough that I had a good new yr.... Just that I guess a part of me was waiting for him to come back... a part of me doesnt want him to come back so fast... why? cos I know that if I knew he is back, I will know if he miss me... i will hope for us to meet, to enjoy the holidays together... Just like last time... and if he is back but from wat my six sense tell me, he wun be the Rix I knew already... I was waiting for him to come back, so that we can happily all gather together just like last time, with yuan da, lisa they all... I miss those times...

But like I said... I guess i was too thick skin... People din even think about seeing mi i guess... not to mention miss me... haha... why do I thought that he will have me in his heart just like I have him in mine? Maybe he doesnt... maybe he realised he's got no more feelings....

From the first moment he was back... the first sms... I knew things are different... he said just 3 word, "I'm home"... such a short sms... nothing else... not asking me how I am, not saying he miss me or wanna see me... what are we to each other i wonder? normal friends? or more? I tot it was more... can i be blame? he make it obviously so... and now? seems like I have to adjust to things he decide himelf... Do I have to adjust to and fro, friends and lovers, for him? Its very xin ku... too much...

I tot sometimes maybe I think too much... so never mind... I sms say "miss ya" first... but guess wat? No reply... haha... he went for supper with friends... but he just dun see a need to reply to that... why? maybe cos he dun miss me!

Then the next day, I was the one who called him first... wanted to chat for a while... when u miss a person, just hearing the voice makes a difference... but no, when I said i have plans to go out soon... he wants to hang up immediately... I told him i wanna chat a while... but he said he wanna sleep... haha... I'm not stupid, and i can tell its an excuse... I asked him along... he refused... What did I do? firstly, he din even ask me out at all... does he expect me to call n ask him out when other people already ask me to go out? i dun mind actually... but i dunno what he thinks... if he wants to see me as much as i want to see him, then why is he not doing anything? In the end, I got to know about him meeting Jia Xin... i decided to go along... i already dun mind that he lied to mi he is tired... nvm... I wanna just a simple dinner with friends... get to see him too...

But he was super unhappy... maybe he dun wanna see me... haha.... it hurts... but maybe he can say it to me straight... tell me the reason... everything... but i din asked...

Then dunno why, he said go meet his friends... but ended up go artery... haha... i have a feelings actually he just want go artery but he purposely dun wan go together... I am so sick of his this kind of childish behaviour....sigh... why must he make things difficult when everything could be ok.... not that i din tell him everything i planned already...

Right now, I feel that I really should forget bout him... I admit I still cant... I dunno how hard it will be... or how long it will take... All these I dunno... But except than forget what can I do? His heart already dun have me, he wants to have nothing to do with mi... he make it clear he dun wanna see me, and he make it clear he dun wan me know anything about him.... haha... nothing i can do....

++RIX... if oneday u shall get to see this... I just wanna tell u that I'll forever remember U... I hope oneday U'll come to understand alot of things... including why i did certain things... I really miss u at this point of time... I really wanna talk bout things... but I dun have the energy to deal with it... to me, time will tell... Lastly, i hope u will remember some things are real, never a lie...

baby~I need a Break...

The sun's shinning again :)

Well, I'm feeling 'slack'.... the I-cant-be-bothered attitude... Things are calm now... I feel like finally, I'm not holding back my true self... Not even tolerate things I dun like anymore... And it's a Good thing....

I'm back to being myself... the stubborn n just being myself... And I love it... wahaha...

But strangely... my horoscope says that "chances are I'm nt being honest with myself, it's time i dealt with unresolved issues.... and whatever this unfinished business is, its affecting my relationship...." How strange? I dunno what it is.... just feel that it just might be true...

Need to study le~~~ Ha... should have passed the first time! Now need to retake, and cant wait to start the job.... hehe... cant wait to see the money...

Life's a bed of roses.... totally true....

Something in My Life...

So many things have happened...

I was wondering if Rix will mention the 10 days deal we had... I dun agree with a dateline... Its feelings we are talking bout, not business. I have no answer to give him... The only answer is I will give all three of us an answer, but I dunno when...

I give myself 3 to 4 months... But what if I still dunno then? I am worried that I might not know, even till then.... But of cos, its better for me... thats what everyone says... Everyone says... I will feel better, be less stress... be happier... Hahahaha.... Issit?

Honesty I dunno... I seem to feel less and less happy... I dunno what to do to be happy... Dunno if I will ever be happy again... No matter wat i do, what i choose... will I feel happy? What can I do to be happy?

I dun understand myself... I am not like myself now... and i dunno why... everything feels meaningless... everything feels like its only there for the moment... Sometimes I simply feel like disappearing... becoming nothing...

I know that I should not be thinking like that... but i cant seem to help myself... I dun even know what I wan... who or what can make me feel better...

I regret... I wish that things never happen... that rix never tried to walk away... the feelings i got during the first time was terrible... lost, sad... heartbreaking... helpless... knowing that something is wrong yet feel like i could do nothing.... I tried to forget it... that incident... but it happened again.... why? why did he have to hurt me like this? Silly me... I know why... but my heart feels broken... Still wanna ask how can he bear to? He should be the shoulder i lean on... the one I cried to... why? Now he's the one I cried for... the one who makes me sob...

I dunnoo what is happiness already... I lost it the day he tried to walk away... My stubborness hold us till today... but never since then had a real smile be on my face...

Nun jun cares, he dotes on me... he wanna me be happy... and i so much wanna be happy even if just for his sake... i really wanna be happy with him... be the happy me... he tried his best, and i really dun wan to let him down...

And i know Rix worry for me too... Despite everything, he still wish that I can be the happy me that he knows... But now, I am a sad person... without my drive, without my energy... To him he doesnt wan to make me sad,but it of no choice... thats what he think... what can I say? why cant U be even more selfless than this? how can i forget everything? To be with you, how can i forget him? To be with him, can i ever forget u? why must U make this happen.....

I wanna be happy... I even wish I lost my memory... Haha... that's how silly I am... i dunno what i am gonna do... I dunno what is happiness, I dunno wher to find happpiness...

If this were the past, I will have talk to Jia xin... but now its not like before... she is not just in my life... she is in Rix life... not like when it happen to dingsheng, or xu yong, or even last time with nun jun... she will be on my side... she will help me... doesnt matter if we think differently... she will always be closer to me than the guys... those guys are our story... my story... we share with each other the problems we encountered... but the guys never will step in... even when things ended... the guys will leave... out of our life... Our friendship has suppport each other through many different guys... But this time the feeling is different... will I have her there to console if I lost Rix? will life get back to normal? Or will my life never be the same?

I somehow know nobody will understands... I wrote this but I dun think I will trust anyone to see... I wish they know... but they will tell me what to think... but my feelings are my feelings... I just wish someone understands... how things are affected i already know... can it be back to before... I really dun wish to lost everything...

Happiness seems so far... will i ever reach it? Maybe forever its lost... maybe i just should disappear... I will forever love all that I love... but its over...

It's still Rocking baby...

well, life's not back on track!

I found a full time job... but have not yet start even after one month plus. Need to pass the exams all that... Be a finanical adviser that's what... So now, still working at pub, still with xiao xin n alvin n all the waitress... But it's at a new place, GRAXS, at Aliwal Street... Come visit me anyone? haha...

Haven been working hard... got sick again n again... Fuck up.... RElationship's stuff weighing me down, and I know i should not let it get this way... I know I need to concentrate on stuff like my exams, think about prospects... and make 2007 much better... I know n I know...

Just that my heart's been working too hard... I feel too much 'bout what's going on. I wanna forget everything, but i know I dun really want to also... Many things have happen between me and rix... ya, the one i called darling, called uncle rix... the one who was there when I need him in 2006... Problem is will he still be there? in 2007, or 2008, or the years after? I doubt so...

He is my darling, but I have got a Dear Dear... before i knew him... My 2 yrs boyfriend... I allow myself to fall in despite knowing my heart's still occupy... Sure, things were rocky between me and Nun Jun then... I needed fun, I needed a shoulder... Never thought he will come to mean so much to me...

Now, I felt split... torn into 2... sometimes ii do blame Rix... cos he did know everything from the start... that I have a boyfriend I love... why did he choose to step in? do the actions he did... slowly n slowly make me feel for him? If he had never the way he was, I would have been just very very gd friends with him... I will not have fall in... And I will not be so miserable now...

But of cos, I should have kept my distance... should not have believe that things will always be under control... should not have believe that i can trust rix totally... gave him my heart, share with him my life, should not have believe that he will not hurt me, that he will not leave me...

Yesh, I am selfish... I am... I cant bear to end my relationship and I dun wan to let Nun Jun down... I cant bear to let Rix go, I dun wan us to become distant... I dunno who I love more... Cos I love the two of them in totally different ways...

My heart's been in pain recently... I dunno why, maybe cos I feel that sadness is near... Things are changing and I miss everything I used to hold dear... All the friends, companionship... How i used to do so much for Nun Jun, all our arguements, heartfelt feelings... I miss the way me n Rix were... how we talk so comfortably... how we hold each other, how he care n understand me... How much I have put in...

Nun Jun dear... Rix Darling... I am so sorry... *sob *sob
I wish to juz simply disappear.............................................